Someone You Know?

My life is so meaningless. I wake up in the morning incapable of providing a reason to get out of bed. My body drags my spirit through the day. Circumstances arise, from time to time, that encourage me to make an attempt at cheerfulness, but the effort drains me. All my energy is spent in maintaining the façade of optimism. The core of my being is cold—icy.

I did not give up easily. I've tried many different methods to fill this emptiness inside of me. The best I achieved was to temporarily dull the sensation. I'm so tired of living this way. The ticking of my clock, the
blinking of my cursor, my very heartbeat, pound out the theme, "Is there nothing more?"

Several times a week, my path crosses yours. As I lie awake at night, sometimes I think about you. I know you're not perfect, but I'm convinced you're happy. I've seen you blow it and I've been shocked by witnessing your apology and the restoration of relationship that follows. I've observed your loss, examined your recovery, and known I never could. I've seen you have a bad day yet not lose the light in your eyes.

In the stillness of my thoughts I wonder about the difference. Your family life is not unlike my own. Our career success is comparable. For the life of me, I cannot put my finger on any one thing that could make such a significant difference between the two of us. "Joy" and "despair" are not words that I use regularly, however, they do the best job of categorizing the two of us. And I'd do anything to switch sides.

I'm puzzled at my obsession with this issue. It's like there is a pressure inside of me that won't let my mind dwell on anything else. Regardless of the activity I pursue, something interjects that turns my heart back to this.

I have not been able to get up the nerve to talk to you about this. We always stick to safe subjects - current events, family, the weather. I wish you could read my mind. Can't you see how desperate I am? I am unable to initiate this conversation. I'm dying to have you do it.

I wonder what your secret is.  And I really wonder why you're keeping it a secret.